Friday, January 7, 2011

Game 41: Four Letter word for "fornicate"

I said on Twitter that if I wrote a post to accompany tonight's game it would amount to nothing but a stream of obscenities. I am a man of my word.

Also: FUCK!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Game 25: 9 out of 10 Doctors Agree!

Tonight's theme: "Trapped Under Ice"-- Metallica

Yeah, you all heard the how the game went. It was bad. Miserable, in fact. I don't care to talk about it, and I don't think any of us want to read about it. We're all tired, depressed, and quite frankly ready to draw down on anyone or anything that looks at us the wrong way. So, I'm going to do something a little different tonight; After hours of careful analysis (IE: 15 minutes on Youtube) I have lovingly chosen a heaping buffet of funny stuff for all of you to drown your sorrows with. Take at least two of these with a bottle of bathtub gin, and i guarantee you'll feel better by tomorrow morning.

Or maybe you'll die in a pool of gin-vomit. Either way, remember to sleep on your stomach; You don't want to go out the same way Hendrix did, do you? Enjoy!

I think this is probably how Arniel is starting to feel.

Need more cannon? Sure ya do! The PR department is missing out on a great promotion (and lawsuit) by not giving some of these little guys away.

This video speaks for itself.

A better deal than sitting through tonight's contest? I think so.

And finally, because I can't resist a chance to post something House-related:

Friday, December 3, 2010

Game 24: They Prefer to be Called "Differently-Abled"

Last time on FGLBJ--- our hero waxed relatively poetic about the Blue Jackets' performance versus the Islanders, praised the newly-revealed third jersey, and made butt and phallus jokes and the expense of the "beloved" new mascot, Boomer.

Tonally, this post is going to be a little.... Different. Don your safety gear now if you so desire.

Tonight's contest was a joke on many levels. The Jackets slowly degenerated over the course of the game, steadily going from confidence, to confusion, to frustration, and finally to submission. Granted, their play was sub-par for much of the game, especially once the third period rolled around and the rather shameful goonery began on both sides. but there was another factor to this game that I imagine will go relatively unaddressed in the majority of the media: The officiating.

Oh, boy. That officiating.

The truly sad thing about the refereeing tonight is that this is far from the first time we have had to sit through a game where the referees have inexplicably been stricken blind at numerous key moments. And it's not just a Blue Jackets problem. It's a league problem. Whether the suits cares to notice or not, poor officiating is a topic that always seems to be burbling around just under the surface of the day's news, but never seems to make it to the top for more than a few moments. And that's a damn shame, because the longer we all resign ourselves to letting crappy refs be crappy, the longer.... well, they'll do just that.

What makes me even madder is the NHL had a proposal on the table for a rule change that would allow coaches to do some of their own policing and institute a challenge system for on-ice rulings earlier in the month. But naturally, the proposal was met with a resounding "meh." Personally, I think adding a review system would be a very good thing. As hard as I've been on the refs up to this point, I still wouldn't take their job for the world. Hockey can be a tough sport to follow at times under the best circumstances, so I can't even imagine how tough it has to be to catch infractions while trying not to get mauled by the players or beaned with the puck. Refs already get a helping hand from video review when calling goals. Why not other calls? Allowing the coaches to call  for a video review on calls (with some reasonable limits, of course) would serve to not only give the teams a way of "policing the the police," but would force the refs to elevate their own game.

But for now, the only thing we as fans can do is.... well, we can complain. It seems like a small and somewhat self-serving thing, but keeping bad officiating in the conversation is the only way we can hope to bring about any sort of change to a system that can (and should) be fixed. So I say talk it up.

Here's to this being the last (and funniest) piece of bad refereeing we ever have to see.

RIP, Leslie Nielsen. You will be sorely missed.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Game 20: Spoiler Warning

See what I did there?... Because we were playing the Islanders, and they were trying to spoil.... Oh, never mind.

Twasn't a pretty game on the island tonight; the Blue Jackets apparently still have some remaining residue of that famous "play down to our opponents" mentality popularized under the Hitchcock regime to scrub away, since it took an extra frame to put away the still-slumping Isles. Not an optimal outcome, but I would rather see us give away consolation points to non-conference opponents than in-conference foes any day of the week. Even Monday, despite the fact that you clearly cannot trust that day (strange, obscure music reference for the win!).

The Islanders may not have managed to end Columbus's winning streak(s), but a couple other streaks of note ended at their hands; Garon's shutout streak ended at two games, while Nash's point streak was brought to a close at 9 games, and his goal streak ends at 6 games. Umberger's streak remains, however. Yay!

The second biggest news of the evening was the long-awaited reveal of Columbus' new third jersey. Overall I like it; The basic design is a bit plain (a touch of red somewhere would have really livened the sweater up), but the host of little nods to elements of the team's past really turn my crank:

  • Collar designed to mimic the look of a Union army uniform jacket
  • "JHM" logo on the collar for this season's game sweaters and first-run retail sweaters
  • "We Fight, We March" slogan pulled straight from the "Hitchionary" on the inner collar
Little touches like that are an incredibly cool way to connect the new jersey to the team's past, and make for incredibly fun trivia.

The biggest "news" of the night also came from the Tuttle Crossing jersey unveiling, but it wasn't nearly as well-received as either the latest win or the new uniforms. Tonight will go down in infamy as the night of the first appearance of Boomer, a giant, mustached, anthropomorphic cannon who is to serve as the new.... Well, what do we call him, anyway? Second mascot? Backup mascot? Butt of endless jokes both inside and outside the Columbus city limits?

HA! I said "butt!"

But seriously, he's ridiculous. At best he looks like a bong on wheels with a mustache. At worst, he looks like a giant silver....... Well, something else. With a mustache. The fact that Twitter took approximately two seconds to light up with cries of "ROFL GIANT SILVER PENIS," should be a sign to whatever middle manager it was that approved this walking punchline that it would be a fantastic idea to start whitewashing him out of the team's history immediately, if not sooner.

On that note, in honor of our new "friend" Boomer, here's a classy little ditty to close out the evening with. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Game 19: More of the Same

Tonight's theme: "Another one Bites the Dust"-- Queen

I stumbled onto a cruel irony yesterday evening; the better the Blue Jackets are playing, the less I seem to have to write about. It's kind of ironic, really. one would think I would have more to say when the team is doing this well, but... Well, it has been said on several occasions that I'm not happy unless I have something to complain about. I blame all the hours I spent watching Mystery Science Theater as a kid. Anyhoo, last night's game was, once again, a thing of beauty. The Blue Jackets gave up next to nothing to the hated Predators all night, leaving them to stagger out of the Nat at the end of the evening both goal-less and point-less. Fantastic.

The best part of the evening, though? For the last two weeks I've been asking anyone who would listen who the CBJ have to beat to actually start getting some respect, or at least some decent pub. No one really listened. And I think the security guard at work may have put me on some kind of watch list. But it turns out that the answer was apparently "Nashville." Check the news; The Blue Jackets still aren't exactly being hailed as heroes, but their names are being mentioned as the same breath as "surprising," "competitive," and on occasion, "dangerous." the anchors on NHL Home Ice even managed to invoke the CBJ's name without using it as a punchline!

Ladies and gentlemen, the tone is changing. And not a moment too soon.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Games 17 & 18: California Gold Rush

I seriously hope I get to say this enough to be sick of saying it by the end of the season:

"This was one for the ages."

In four nights the Blue jackets conquered all three California teams in increasingly dominating fashion. The new system is clicking, the players are looking confident.... All is quite well here in CBJ-land!

  • Welcome Back, Commie! Let me go ahead and provide some context for these comments; Despite the rather critical things I've said in the past, I've been a big Mike Commodore fan since he first landed in Columbus. Granted, when he's at his best he's an easy player to cheer for;  He has a presence that is tough to ignore, both on and off the ice. And seeing him finally start to show what he can do again makes me really happy for him, the team, and the fanbase as a whole. Here's to you, Mike! [chugs the last of his Stuntman Mike]
  • Mr. Dangerfield, You're Needed in the PR Department How does a team get a shutout and a hat trick in their opponent's arena after going winless there in regulation for 10 years and have it go virtually uncovered by their league? Why, be the Columbus Blue Jackets, of course! a story that good practically writes itself, but since the Columbus fan base is apparently not worth serving, the NHL didn't bother to give the game any sort of front page mention.... even after they named Garon and Nash the second and first stars of the day, respectively. Just who do we need to beat to get noticed around here, anyway?!?!
  • Snowball on a Mountaintop One of the biggest things I took away from watching these last three games is not just the increasingly strong execution by the team as a whole, but the level of mental and physical stamina that the Blue Jackets are showing. I've gotten used to seeing a Columbus squad that looks like they are practically asleep on their feet by the end of a road swing like this one. This time, however, we saw a team that was not only going at full stride through all three games, but seemed to become even more intense as the road trip wore on! The game against LA looked roughly even at times, but The CBJ beat the Sharks straight into the ground. Call it taking them by surprise if you want. I call it building momentum. 
  • That's No Moon..... Remember who comes into town tomorrow. This weekend was just a warm-up.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Game 16: "7 Reasons That Last Night's Win Is Inconsequential" or "Birth of the Hater Hat"

Columbus beat LA 5-3 last night, handing the Kings their first loss on home ice. And there was much rejoicing, right?

.... Well, not really. 

Well, there was surely some accolades for the team from around the league, right?

... Yeah, not so much.

Determined to find the reason behind the deafening media silence that followed last night's game, I staggered off to the R&D lab housed in sub-basement C61 of my lair, and completed work on one of my latest and greatest projects. Well, actually, I took a nice long nap first. These west coast games were much easier to deal with when I got off work at 10 PM. Anyhoo, I now have in my possession the world's first long-range listening device tuned to exclusively hear human thoughts related to hockey! Neat, huh?

Flushed from the thrill of creation, I eagerly fired up the mainframe, donned the cranial input for the neural spectrum array, and tuned in to the thoughts of the entire NHL universe. After a few further tweaks to the decryption software I managed to filter out the noise (Fun fact: There's lots of grunts and whistles coming from up Michigan-way, but little else) and get to the meat of the matter: What were people thinking about the Blue Jackets.

Unfortunately, It was then that I discovered an unfortunate flaw in my device; I had forgotten to make sure that the array was magnetically neutral, which meant that I was only able to pull in and decrypt negative thoughts.

Bummer. Literally.

But there's a bright side! Using the power of my new device (which I re-christened the "Hater Hat"), I was able to record some of transmissions from the most anti-CBJ parts of the NHL world. And some of them are real doozys, too; It was like if George Noory decided to do a hockey show. And so, without further ado, I present you with some of the reasons why no one bothered to mention the Blue jackets beating the (then) top team in the west on their own ice. Enjoy!

  1. Mike Commodore played last night Commodore is slow. Incredibly slow. He's so slow that at one point, someone skated around him. Yes, you read that right. Please, feel free to take a few moments to compose yourself if need be; I'm sure that the shock you're feeling after hearing that such a thing is possible is considerable.  How can anyone be pleased about a win after having to watch such a slow slow slowy McSlowerson lumber around the ice all night? Slow.
  2. Mathieu Garon was not in goal This needs no further explanation.  
  3. Rick Nash is lazy Come on! This one is SOOOOO obvious! If Rick Nash was a real goal-scorer, he would have had 50 goals and 24 assists in the first period alone. The fact that it took him the entire game to score two goals is an utter travesty. Hang your head in shame, Rick Nash! You aren't worthy of a win, and neither is your team.
  4. Columbus didn't score a single goal on the power play Power play goals are superior to even-strength goals in every possible way. Not only are they made of puppy ears and rainbow sugar sprinkles, God makes sure an adorable kitten is conceived every time someone scores one. I heard that Alex Ovechkin once cured a homeless baby's cancer by scoring a power play goal. True story! By not scoring power play goals, the Blue Jackets clearly hate both adorable kittens and homeless cancer babies. They're practically monsters. 
  5. The Blue Jackets have a poor home record and poor home attendance Let's face it: a team that is only .500 at home should just go ahead and pack it in now before they embarrass themselves further. Columbus should do the right thing and call up Commissioner Bettman and vow to forfeit the points for last night's game unless they win all the rest of their home games. Maybe then they can get more than a feeble 10,000 people to come to a game. I mean, 10,000 is practically nothing!  If 10,000 people showed up at my house for dinner one night, I would just tell them to come back when they could manage to scare up another 10,000 and make it worth my while. Pathetic.
  6. Columbus' top line only managed to score two goals Who ever heard of having a 4th line score goals? It's a common fact that it is an utter embarrassment to ever have to admit that a player that is not on the top line scored a goal for your team. There were rumors that 4th-liners who scored for the Soviet national team during the late 60s were such sources of shame to the community that they were exiled, forced to live in enclaves deep in the northern mountains with lepurs and chronic nail-biters. Japanese 4th-liners who score goals must endure the pain of being marked with the brand of "Haji sukoa otoko," or "shame score man." The exact details of the ceremony are tightly guarded, but those who survive it are said to be mere shells of their former selves, left unable to even feed themselves. They can only check. And check. And check.
  7. It's Just Columbus I mean, it's the Blue jackets for God's sake! They SUCK! They're not even worth taking the time to mention! Do you know they've only made the playoffs once? That's right: ONCE! Teams that don't make the playoffs don't deserve wins.